In 2025, where do you find your person? Is it on “the apps”? Probably. But where, which one?
There are several well-known and popular apps. Here is my brief hot take on which to try, my opinions on them, and how to approach modern dating, with “the apps” and in general.
Are match and e-harmony still good? Why do none of my patients talk about them? Is it because they don’t really want to settle down yet? Or because people who use those apps don’t need me because they’ve found their match and are happy?!
Or is it about effort and investment – the older or more traditional apps (like match and e-harmony) require lengthy forms to be completed. This arguably improves the matching process, but also means a greater sense of time wasted if you don’t match. Or a bigger sense of loss or failure that all that effort led to nothing. Or maybe it’s a self defense mechanism – if I don’t REALLY go all in, there’s always hope for later? But that ego defense saves face and loses opportunities – there always needs to be some risk or gamble or trying.
Do you only join the apps your friends or social circles use? Should you fish in the familiar pond, or the one with the unknown or new opportunities? Maybe we mistake finding a match for finding a mirror of oneself? Perhaps stepping out of the familiar is how you break the pattern of bad matches…?
(The exception of course being the apps that filter by religious or sexual preference, where it obviously makes sense to fish in the right pond right out of the gate.)
The apps I see as most popular in Miami, or among my patient population, seem to be Hinge and Tinder. (Bumble was also in the mix for a while but seems to have dropped off lately in popularity. Can’t quite say why…) I like hinge in it’s original intention but I’m not sure the algorithm remains the same – whereby connections have to have a mutual/shared social media “friend” – thus suggesting you have overlapping social circles and therefore probably will have more shared values and interests. This being how we used to meet IRL – at Jason’s party, where we both know him but haven’t met each other yet. Tinder works in that it’s low effort, and allows for “sport swiping” and more casual approaches to the matching process. But, it started as a hookup app, the heterosexual equivalent to Grindr, so even though it has morphed over time, there are a lot of folks just looking for a good time, not a long term relationship.
Your more exclusive and pricey options like Raya and the League have not shown big benefits, despite the promises. At least among my patient population. In some cases we run into an issue of financial means buying access but not guaranteeing a higher quality person/match. Or the invite only nature may simply mean more of the same crowd and something of “inbreeding”. (Again, the fish in a new/different pond metaphor.)
I’ve recently seen the buzz/controversy around Clock Out, the platform only for the smart or highly educated (allegedly). I haven’t gotten feedback from any patients who’ve used it – but the same issue could arise as with Raya or the League – you’ve created a criteria for entry, but that only checks one box, it doesn’t guarantee quality of character or personality or match. Simply that we are both likely to have advanced degrees. Which is a start, of course. If that is essential to your match.
The apps I’m not seeing many or anyone use but I see as promising:
- InnerCircle, which allegedly offers better screening and more intentional dating
- Happn, one I’ve championed for years but it comes off as creepy, in that it uses GeoData to match habits and places visited
- MeetUp, not a dating app but good in that you can have in-person interactions around shared interests (I myself am trying out the Base, for social and business networking, and it proposes a similar format)
- After, which I’ve never heard of until reading a recent article on dating apps, offers the exit interview component many of my patients have asked for – only available in NY and TX for now
I have even begun partnering and consulting with matchmaking services, with no results to share as yet. But the issue there is that the investment, of time and money, is exponentially larger. These services cater to more the top 3-5% in terms of fame, wealth, or being “the whole package.” They promise success but so much of that comes from limiting access and only accepting candidates to work with that they feel confident they can find a match for – and sometimes charging a sliding scale fee depending on how hard the person may be to match.
Let’s step aside from the issue of “which app is best” and perhaps better turn to “which dating strategy is best”? To which I might say, having a strategy at all is part of what makes modern dating so strange and complex. Once upon a time, dating had one of 3 purposes: 1) get married, 2) get laid, or 3) gain social credit through a “well-chosen union of families” a la dowries and arranged marriages.
What I wonder though is whether our modern dating scene has become too end goal driven? Not enough openness to going along for the ride? (Perhaps I feel this way because my patients tend to be in their 30’s and 40’s, emphasizing that casual dating is no longer their need.) Or perhaps the modern single person has become too picky, too quick to tick off a checklist? Shopping on Shein or Amazon for a partner, so to speak? Or picky about the wrong issues – less about intangibles and more about the checklist, due to the apps. No chance to read vibes or character, when you see height, income, hobbies, etc listed. I see the loss of connection and chemistry as so much a factor with online dating and apps. This becomes a cognitive exercise, a chore, akin to shopping for the perfect couch for your living room. Sure, it miiiight work, but let’s comparison shop a bit more, read reviews, wait for sales. No chance for just feelings. (I have stated loudly and repeatedly that vibes alone do not make a relationship – but, you need SOME spark or feelings to make it work also.)
And my folks complain that things weren’t as complicated in their grandparents’ time. But I would ask, were generations gone by more likely to be in relationships, but less happy? As marriage once upon a time was out of necessity often more than love. Men needing women to start a family or “run the household” or not appear gay, and women needing men for financial means, to have homes and property, to avoid them having “tarnished reputations.”
Or maybe modern folks have become so certain of what they WANT that they stop themselves from getting what they NEED? I give this speech quite often, that one must compromise and “settle” to find a mate. Partly due to a restricted number of options, partly that we all have to give to get (meaning, you may not be their perfect ideal either), or partly we maybe need to do what feels right rather than what looks right? (The optics and fear of judgment have held many of my patients back from what could have been good relationships, but with less than 100% perfect partners.)
I also find myself asking, “Why do so many folks show a fear of commitment?” What does it represent? Risk, sure. Heartbreak, maybe. Often I hear a claim of desiring freedom (especially among men.) Freedom for what? Sex and hookups, obviously. But even tame men with normal to low libidos still speak of wanting freedom while claiming they also want a serious partner. A patient once told me that approaching love this way is like wearing a condom on your heart – it’s safer, yeah, but it also doesn’t feel as good. Is everyone playing these dating games – one foot out, always looking for better or safer? Can we even put the cat back in the bag at this stage of the game? Or should the single candidates accept the new rules of engagement and take rejection less personally? (Because you’ve been the rejector at times, haven’t you…?)
Another patient was excited to tell me that he was practicing “detachment dating” to avoid hurt or disappointment. As it is described via this social media/pop psychology trend, this is dating but not pursuing a relationship as an end goal, while otherwise showing up in all the other ways. So, essentially dating to marry, but removing expectations or deadlines. I get the idea, though I’m not sure how you stay in that mindset, or when it flips into relationship mode? There has to be an end goal, in the end, right?
TL;DR – Whether via dating apps or modern dating methodologies, everyone is trying to find ways to get sex, love, and marriage while avoiding heartache, hurt or wasted time. I just don’t think there is a path there, or a streamlined efficient shortcut. The only way out is through. Learn what works for you, who you like, what your strengths and weaknesses are. But you have to take some (calculated) risks and put yourself out there, give some folks a chance, and possibly waste time and money. And as to the “best” apps, I say know yourself, your needs, and your dating history. Consider trying the new, and accepting that staying with the familiar also brings risk, of not taking a chance. Don’t be afraid to be a trailblazer. (The first few marriages from Tinder were mocked, until people got curious what was going on over there and took a look themselves.)
