Let’s revisit the love languages (made famous by Chapman a few years back). Y’all, the key is that you speak THEIR love language. Cross translate.
Dr Alessandra talks about the “platinum rule” in relationships. The golden rule is “Do to others as you would like them to do to you.” The platinum rule is “Do for others what they ask or prefer be done for them.”
Where love languages get lost in translation is when I give you what I’m trying to communicate – what I would want given or done for me. But that misses the point entirely. You may not care about hearing “I love you” or “I appreciate you,” but your partner does. And that’s what matters. Love languages aren’t for you – they’re for the person you’re loving.
And vice versa. They may not be cuddly touchy feely. But if you receive love that way, they will snuggle more, not for them, but to show you love in a way that you can receive it.
This is often illustrated by the old stereotype of a heterosexual married couple: he takes her to the ballet or a rom-com, even though it’s not his thing, and she joins him at the tailgate, even though she’d rather not. It doesn’t have to be so stereotypical, or so full of quiet suffering. Still, love tends to feel more meaningful when we step outside our comfort zone. If I already wanted to go to the ballet or the tailgate, it’s hard to know whether I’m doing it for myself or for you.
Love languages can overlap, as can interests and hobbies. But what we’re dealing with here is a feeling of doing something for someone else that you’re only doing because you love that person, not something you were going to do anyway. It means more. It clearly communicates a message – “I love you,” so I’ll speak your language in a way that is meaningful to you.
And hopefully, I will receive the same courtesy in a reciprocal fashion. And round and round we go. Not swapping suffering and misery but giving acts of love and making your partner feel seen and appreciated and validated for their unique way of feeling loved.
