The gift of the Magi is a classic, sweet Christmas story of love shown via sacrifice. Retold in varied ways, the classic has the husband selling his favorite pocket watch to buy his wife a hair comb. And she sells her long locks to buy him a chain for his watch. The moral is supposed to be positive.
But, if these two were on my couch, we would have had a much happier ending! They would have learned that you don’t have to suffer to prove your love. And that good communication skills can circumvent lots of unfortunate outcomes.
Many people hold to this idea that love is tit for tat. I sacrifice for you and you for me. I suffer through your ballet then you suffer through my ball game. But compromise is also an option, where we can show love without having to give (so much) of ourselves. I can buy you ballet tickets and make sure your best friend is available to go with you. And buy her a ticket too. Or, you can ask when my team is playing and be sure to get tickets to the ballet when it doesn’t conflict with my game. There are PLENTY of ways to get or give without hurting your partner. And the hurt doesn’t make it better or more meaningful. It just breeds resentment and a “my turn next time” attitude of score keeping.
And, this all harkens back to good communication. To stating up front in a clear and assertive manner just what it is I want. Then we can work as a team to get it. Furthermore, sometimes the intention is just as important (maybe more important) than the gift or the action. In my retelling, the couple in the Magi story would have expressed their intent to buy these items with money from their self sacrifice. Then they would have hugged and smiled and said “no need, my dear, your desire to think of me first is more than enough.” Because it’s about loving someone a great deal – but that doesn’t have to mean loss of love, value or respect for yourself!
(Too many Hollywood rom-coms pitch this silly notion of mistaken identity and miscommunication as an adorable path to love. But a good therapist could have skipped 90 minutes of screen drama and just gotten to some honest, open sharing.)
Moral of Magi version 2.0?
-Giving to you doesn’t have to mean taking from me
-Quality communication makes everyone a lot happier
-Also, not all surprises are good ones
Happy Holidays, y’all!
Love, Dr G
